Family Drama – Episode 2
In Part 1 of this series, I discussed some common reasons why difficult family members shut down when you attempt to communicate with them, and explode when approached with the truth about themselves. In Part 2, I now discuss proven psychological methods and examples on how to safely approach them in order to effectively communicate.
How to Apply the Truth-Telling Principles With Shut-Down Family Members
1. Ask Permission First (Create a Safe Space)
Example:
“Hey, there’s something important I’ve been carrying. Can we talk about it when you’re feeling open to it? I don’t want to argue—I just want to be real with you.”
Why it helps: It gives them control over when and how the conversation happens, reducing the likelihood of shutdown.
2. Start With Vulnerability, Not Criticism
Example:
“I’ve been feeling really distant from you lately, and I don’t like that. I think part of it is that I’ve been holding things in instead of being honest.”
Why it helps: You’re modeling openness without accusing them, inviting connection rather than resistance.
3. Use “I” Statements to Reduce Defensiveness
Instead of: “You always ignore me when I try to talk.”
Try: “I feel really dismissed when I try to bring something up and the conversation shuts down.”
Why it helps: It expresses your experience rather than making them feel blamed.
4. Go Slow, Especially If They’re Emotionally Avoidant
Example:
“I know heavy stuff is hard to talk about in this family. I don’t need an answer right now—I just hope we can start being more real with each other over time.”
Why it helps: You’re showing patience and not forcing immediate change, which can reduce shutdown responses.
5. Validate Before Sharing Hard Truth
Example:
“I know you’ve been under a lot of stress, and I admire how much you handle. I also need to be honest about something that’s been bothering me.”
Why it helps: It softens the entry, affirming their worth before raising a concern.
6. Be Curious, Not Confrontational
Example:
“I’ve noticed when I bring things up, you get really quiet. Is that because it’s too much? Or does it feel like I’m attacking you?”
Why it helps: This invites dialogue rather than judgment, and gives them a chance to explain their shutdown pattern.
7. Choose the Right Timing & Setting
- Avoid: Bringing up truths during family events, dinner, or high-stress moments.
- Try: A walk, car ride, or one-on-one time when the environment is more relaxed.
Why it helps: Emotional safety increases when there’s no “audience” or external pressure.
8. Acknowledge the Pattern With Compassion
Example:
“I notice we have a hard time talking about deeper stuff. I’m not trying to push, but I really want to change that pattern with you.”
Why it helps: You’re pointing out the behavior without blame and expressing a desire for change, not control.
9. Accept Limits — and Set Boundaries If Needed
Example:
“I respect that this might be too much for you to talk about. But I also need relationships where we can be honest. I hope we can get there someday.”
Why it helps: You’re holding space and holding your boundaries. You can’t force openness, but you don’t have to shrink yourself either.
10. Model What You Want to See
- Be the first to admit mistakes.
- Share your feelings without expecting immediate responses.
- Stay emotionally regulated even if they shut down.
Why it helps: Over time, this can make them feel safer and more open to reciprocate.
Example Scenario: Talking to a Parent Who Shuts Down
You might say:
“Dad, I want to talk to you about something that’s been on my heart. I know these conversations aren’t easy for either of us, but I miss feeling close to you. This isn’t about blaming—just hoping we can be more honest with each other over time. Can I share something I’ve been feeling lately?”
Everyone Can Change
It’s easy to dismiss the behavior of family members we’ve known all our lives as something that cannot be changed. I’d like to believe it’s not too late for people to change, even at 83 years old. However, everything begins with communication, and that can often be the first—and sometimes—the most difficult step in helping them understand. But in order to succeed, you must exercise patience and never give up!
